The Dark Side of Resiliency

The Dark Side of Resiliency
Want to save our children? Stop calling them resilient.

When I read articles on how resilient our children are during the global pandemic, it both saddens and frightens me. While resiliency is a badge of honor and a big societal buzzword right now, I hope you will consider what happens when we call children (or anyone) resilient. 

Consider that children in crisis are not displaying resilience; they are adapting to a traumatizing environment. They are in a survival response and the repercussions of them having to endure an abnormal, traumatizing situation severely lacking in connection might be something some children do not survive.

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Resiliency can have a dark side. When we call children resilient, it can result in us not helping them. I know adults are tired, overwhelmed, scared and shutting down. Having to work with a kid who is struggling can feel like more of a burden than we can bear at this time. I am seeing more and more clients in clinical practice, social media posts, and peer groups that are mislabeling children as resilient, when in fact there is a trauma adaptation that is taking place. My concern is if we keep calling kids resilient, we will not recognize the ones who need help and are shutting down.

Children are spending lots of time with parents, family members, teachers, and even mental health clinicians who are dysregulated and struggling. According to a June 2020 survey conducted by the CDC, nearly 41% of adult respondents reported an adverse mental or behavioral health condition. The past year has exacerbated the mental health epidemic that has always been going on -- an epidemic that should not be minimized or dismissed by shifting the focus to our “resilient” children.

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I know many of you are overwhelmed and completely frozen and cannot think of creative things to do. I am a mom of young children and I struggle, too. The situation we’re in is completely overwhelming, crazy and disorienting. I am here to help with some ideas that are both based in somatic practices, eco psychology and the field of attachment. I have done them all with my own family and they help.

• Get the kids into nature. Nature can be one of the most grounding and healing places for us as humans. Nature knows how to stay in rhythm and works in complete symphony and “togetherness.” Lay on the dirt and look at the clouds. Let the anxiety flow through your back body into the earth. Mother Earth can take your stress and transform it. The pandemic and the stress of it is bigger than you and only something “bigger than you” can transform this stress energy. Hug a tree, even talk to the tree. Put all of your worries into it and then listen and see what you receive back. Nature is healing and there is a ton of research to back this up. When you are in nature, connect to it. Really spend time feeling into nature. Leave your phone inside. Spend time really noticing the birds, the wind on your skin, the smell of the rain. Name the sensations you experience in your body with your children.

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• Spend time with animals. If we are in a freeze response, an animal can help provide some unconditional love and connection and help us “thaw” by providing some social engagement. It is good to be around living beings that do not worry and are not in fear. Let your cat purr on your chest, hold your doggie next to you. Feel the texture of their fur. What happens in your body when you hold them? I melt when I hold my puppy. It's one of the best, most yummiest feelings in the world. If you do not have a pet and can get one, I highly suggest you do. Alternatively, find ways to spend time with the pets in your social sphere -- ask friends, family, or neighbors if you and your children can soak up some of the connection their pets provide. In our area, lots of farms are still running programing. Go be with the animals, it will help.

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• Form playpods. I cannot tell you how valuable being a part of a play pod has been for myself and children. You need to figure out where your kids can play and be ”normal” and have masks off. Our amygdala, the reptilian part of the brain, tracks facial movements for safety or fear hundreds of times per minute. When we are isolated or when we are around people only in masks, our brain is not registering safety. We have spent an entire year disabling our amygdala’s tracking device for safety by covering our faces when with others. While masks are essential in public spaces and everyone has the right to determine their level of virus-related risk tolerance, there is and will continue to be a cost to our children’s mental health. Our amygdala did not evolve for these conditions. Stop thinking and start feeling. When you notice you are at ease in your mind and body, there is a good chance your children are, too. Connect with others in a safe manner. 
  

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• ​Be playful and introduce elements of surprise into your life and the lives of your children. Wonder and creativity are the antidotes to fear. It might sound weird -- I have been the queen of weird my whole life so I am not ashamed to share -- but I bought a fake poop from Five Below and played a trick on my kids. We now all hide the poop and play jokes. The kids put it under my feet when I am doing dishes or on my husband’s office chair. When someone finds it we all yell, “Ew, that’s disgusting! Who pooped?!” We have been known to prank friends when they come over, as well. The kids laugh so hard and squeal with glee. It's been a year of poop jokes. Hey, I will do WHATEVER it takes to make them laugh and giggle! Find your own personal $5 poop joke with your kids. Play and laugh -- your mind and body will thank you! REMEMBER- your eyes track for safety signals from others’ faces.​

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I know there is so much more to expand on but you get the gist and hopefully this little piece of writing was helpful to you in some way. Please note that I know Covid is real and the dangers of this pandemic are lethal. I am here to hopefully broaden your awareness and let you know that there are other ramifications of this pandemic that are also life threatening to our children (and all of us). The mental health epidemic is raging and if you do not see it because it is under the disguise of “resiliency” then you are putting yourself and children in danger. Check out our FAQ page for Covid resources, including videos, podcasts, and articles. 

​Lastly, I would like to leave you with a list of symptoms that if you see in your children, you should obtain professional help. Please do not wait if you see symptoms progressing. It is a lot easier to deal with them prior to the symptoms developing into long term patterns. Do you or your loved ones have any of the below?

List of symptoms of sympathetic hyper-arousal: 
Anxiety
Agitation
Restless
Tense
Irritable
Rage
Rigid
Uptight
Impulsive
Hypervigilant
Racing Thoughts
Heart Racing
Rapid Breathing
Unable to Focus
Too much energy
Stressed
Reactive
No time or patience to make conversation

List of symptoms of shutdown/immobilization:
Low Mood
Shut Down Emotionally
Shame
Numb
Overwhelm
Sluggish
Lifeless
Depressed
Sad
Frozen
Heavy
Isolated
No or slow energy
Want to curl up and hide
Avoidant

At Soma & Soul (www.thesomaandsoul.com) we have several protocols that can help bring the neural networks in the brain back into a state of social engagement. The Safe & Sound Protocol was developed as an inner ear therapy based on the research by Dr. Stephen Porges. The sound therapy works with the neural platforms in the brain that help us track for safety and connection by working with the vibration of the inner ear to bring us into better self regulation and co-regulation with others. We have found the Safe & Sound Protocol a great resource for folks struggling with the above symptoms to help them combat the effects of this past year of global pandemic and social isolation. When we expand our social engagement system, we increase our resiliency. Please let us know if we can be of help to you or your loved ones. We work with individuals, children and families both individually and in group settings using the SSP.  I am here with you in all of this and we will get through it together.
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Onwards and upwards, 
Kim

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